The subject of abuse is not as taboo as it once was. It’s far more widely discussed and recognized now than it was, in say my grandmother’s generation. There is recognition now that there are different types of abuse. This is a personal topic, that I have only discussed with those closest to me and often, even then, not at length. Writing as a wild woman, anonymously gives me the freedom to discuss and explore this without repercussions to myself or my children and I’m hoping gives someone else out there strength and hope, knowing that they are not alone. I also hope that what I say is not taken out of context, that I’m not saying any kind of abuse is worse than another. It’s simply my personal experience.
I met the father of my children when I was 17, he was 26. He promised me the world and “took me away” from all of the things I wanted and needed to escape at that point in my life. I thought he was a terrific man, and I rode off into the sunset with him without question.
Almost a year to the day after we met, my oldest daughter was born. Shortly after, I began to notice behaviors in her father that I hadn’t seen before. I saw people that I had gone to school with, and was chided for socializing for a few moments, even if it was just to say hello to an old friend. There was verbal recourse for wearing anything he thought was “too revealing” and he noticed any other person looking at me. He managed to isolate me from people, something that is pretty vital developmentally for a young adult. Shortly after my oldest was born, I considered leaving, but when that consideration arose, he threatened to smash windows in my mother’s vehicle, while my daughter was still inside and so, I stayed.
As the years passed, more mental and emotional abuse followed. I stopped looking people in the eye when he was around for fear of what would come from his mouth later. There have been accusations aplenty about me sleeping around, though it has been fine for him to go out for milk and take two hours, to flirt with other women, and even seek out affairs (something I haven’t even bothered to take up with him). If I had a thought or opinion that didn’t coincide with his, I was stupid. I had to ask permission to use the only car we had (with 2 children in the house), ask for money, ask to see the one friend that stuck around, ask to see my family. That list just goes on and on and on.
When my grandmother passed away, I realized how short life really is. When I told him I was unhappy and wanted to end the relationship, I was told I needed therapy, so I went out of spite. What started as an act of spite, became one of the most courageous courses in personal growth and I’m still thankful to this day that I was so spiteful. My therapist suggested going back to school and with that, I slowly realized how intelligent I actually am. I received my associates in the arts last year, summa cum laude. I realized I was not the worthless person he so often made me feel I was.
Within the past few years, my children have started seeing their father for who he truly is and as a mother, I can say it is truly heartbreaking. I’ve taken flack for staying so long, I’ve also taken flack in the past for trying to leave. Unless people are in a situation, they’re incapable of comprehending all of the ramifications. As of today, I have a family who is and has been unwilling or incapable to help me remove myself and my children from this situation. I have explored each avenue available to me. I’m not there yet and I know several other people who aren’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t see or understand the abuse within my own household, it doesn’t mean that I like it or that I’m weak. To the contrary, living with the mental and emotional abuse that I have, makes a person far stronger than others might realize. I’m not there yet because I don’t have my ducks all in a row. I’m not there yet because there will be an ugly custody battle and his reasons to fight would have nothing to do with the well being of my children, and I don’t want to give them more reasons to dislike him than they already have on their own. But I will get there.
I’m not completely alone. I have friends and family who understand. While they can’t help me in some ways, they are always there to support me and remind me what a strong individual I am, especially when I feel weak. I have a bright future ahead of me, one filled with love and liberation and I refuse to let him continue to take my life from me.