Blood is not thicker than water. Sometimes, it’s tainted.

Over the last year, my daughters and I have struggled. While I was struggling through the end of an abusive relationship with their father, he continually put them and others in the middle of it. He even went as far as telling our 18 year old daughter that she had no choice but to be in the middle and to choose a side. What kind of parent could do that to their own child? Why would you tell your child they needed to choose between two of the most important people in their life? The really sad thing is that this was not the first time he did this to her.

Most people view abuse as beating, punching, hitting, but it goes so much further. Abuse is financial control that keeps someone else under your thumb because they have no other means of survival. Abuse is using that kind of control to mentally attack someone, convincing them that they are worthless. Abuse is continual reminders that someone is not enough, can’t do enough, will never be enough. Abuse is using children as a means of control. Abuse is attempts to pit children against the other parent. Abuse is breaking someone down and feeding fake apologies over and over. Abuse is sexual control, including rape and sodomy within a relationship. Abuse is and always has been so much more than beating and my daughters and I lived with every spoke on that damn wheel.

After nearly 20 years, I sought help. I found us safe, temporary housing and while housed there, I secured safe, permanent housing for us. I started finding myself and living a life with my children that we had been denied. We have gone to different places, had new experiences, laughed and cried, fought, hugged and we’ve done it all together.

During this last year, I have felt this insane need to justify my choices, as well as my daughters to my family. I didn’t talk about the things that went on in my house. I didn’t tell my family about the things that we had been through or the pain it had caused us. Boy, do I wish I had. Nobody should ever have to justify ending a relationship. Grown children should not be guilted for refusing contact with an abusive parent. I should not have to repeatedly state that I haven’t kept them from him. I should not have to repeat that when one of my daughters did take it upon herself to go see him, she was asked what the fuck she wanted and came home heartbroken. None of this should need to be explained to people who are not and have not been directly affected by any of this aside from their self appointed involvement.

It makes me sick to be told that my ex is so distraught by what we “did to him”. I’m sorry, but I did not sodomize him, I did not put him down, I did not spread ugly rumors about him, I did not threaten suicide as a sympathy plea, I did not do any of the shitty things that he did. I simply left, after asking him to be decent for the sake of our children and he threatened to throw all of my belongings out. How dare I? He got the house, the cars, the dogs, his 65″ television and 3/4 of all of the other things in the house. The kids and I left with some of our clothes, a few pieces of furniture and not much more, but we somehow have wronged him.

I cannot even begin to express how I feel about his pathetic sympathy pleas or my family’s refusal to even try to understand that my children have made a choice and I will not force them to see their abusive father. I cannot express how very sick it makes me that they feel a need to shame me or my kids, especially with the knowledge that they themselves have been in unhealthy relationships. It amazes me that someone who refuses to see their own abusive father can attempt to tell someone else that they should be in contact with an abusive parent. I can’t begin to express how pissed off I am that they have had the audacity to tell my children that I have “twisted” them. They have no idea how many times I had to correct things that their father said to them because it not only was a lie, it was one that was detrimental for them to continue to believe. They have no idea how hard it was all of those times to simply state that their father was “confused” or didn’t have all of the information, rather than straight up calling him a liar or jackass.

I have worked very hard to be the bigger person. I haven’t asked for a dime in child support from him. I haven’t asked him for help. I haven’t talked shit about him to everyone that will listen. I haven’t spread rumors about him. I haven’t followed him around town like a creep. I have focused on bettering my children’s lives as well as my own. I have remained focused on what we are doing, moving forward and living happy lives. I have done none of the things that he has and yet, somehow I am still vilified. I was asked today why certain family members were not invited to a get together. By the same family members who have tried shaming, guilting and putting down everything that we have been doing. Blood is not thicker than water. Sometimes, blood is tainted. I’d rather have an extended family of people who are not related by blood but are there to celebrate the good with us and support us through the bad than have blood relatives in my life who are nothing but toxic.

At 37, there has been nothing easy about rebuilding a life. There has been nothing easy about being a single parent. There has been nothing easy about doing these things without the support of most of my family. It is always easy to look at these shitty things. It is sometimes harder to remember that I am showing my daughters that it’s okay to be strong women. It is sometimes harder to remember that they still love me and think that I’m doing okay, but thankfully, they remind me sometimes. Every day is a new kind of struggle for me, but every day I get out of bed. Every day, I remember that I am setting an example for my children. Every day, I hope they know how much I love them and that some day they will know that even when I was only an okay mom, I tried so hard.

If you…

If you tell a woman that she can’t, watch her as she does it and so much better than you could have ever expected.

If you tell a woman that she won’t, watch her do it and stand in awe of her determination and perseverance.

If you tell a woman that she is worthless, you may bring her down for a while. She might even believe you, but after a while, she is going to realize you were wrong. She will know her worth and let it shine.

If you tell a woman to figure it out, she will. Once she does, she will realize the help that you could have offered, the suggestions or advice that could have helped that you didn’t feel like giving.

If you forget to tell her that she’s beautiful, there will always be others in her life that will lift her up and remind her of it. Her family and close friends, that know how beautiful her heart and mind make her.

If you manipulate a woman, she may not call you on it every time, but never be foolish enough to think that she doesn’t comprehend what you were doing each and every time and how hurtful it is that you thought she was so ignorant and malleable.

If you call a woman hurtful names, she may forgive you that trespass, but do not think that she will forget.

If you use your words or fists to hurt a woman, the words “I’m sorry” will not make it better every time. Those behaviors may break her down for a while, but eventually, she will bounce back and sorry will lose all of it’s meaning. You can’t undo bruises that you make to the heart, the mind or body once you put them there.

A woman can be a gift, full of surprises and wonder. If you deliberately hurt her, you will lose her in one way or another. She doesn’t always need your guidance or protection. She doesn’t need to be reminded of mistakes. She doesn’t need or want manipulations, accusations or hurtful words. If you hurt her, she will inevitably find her shine, her spark and when she does, she will be a force to reckon with. She is strong and capable of so many things, and it is not her flaw if you were foolish enough to overlook that.

 

Hot Mess

I am without a doubt, a hot mess. Within the past few weeks I have helped my sister in law and her family arrange a slideshow honoring the life of her mother who passed away after a long battle with a neurological disease that over a span of a few years simply eroded everything that was her. I’ve listened and tried to support my best friend when she got the news that her father, a man I grew up calling my “other father”, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This week, she called to tell me his outlook is bleak at best, with an estimated six months to live. Her son has been extremely depressed, not only contemplating suicide, but placing a gun into his mouth, unsure about whether it was loaded or not and pulled the trigger. I can only be grateful that the gun wasn’t loaded. I have played referee in my own house between two warring teenage girls, one of which is going through her own struggles with depression that goes hand in hand with an under active thyroid. Whether it’s one or both of those things, I’ll probably never know, but it does make life in my house tense, to say the very least. My own mother has been suffering anxiety attacks, one of which I helped her through during her visit to the dentist office. It’s jarring to walk into a room and see the woman who raised you reduced to a quivering, sobbing human unable to control her emotions over something so simple as needing an extra appointment to have fillings done.

Through all of these things, I have been trying to get through with a little grace, a little sanity left in tact, but every day the strength that I draw on seems to be dwindling. I’ve found myself in tears more than once this week, feeling completely lost and insecure as I try to help those around me that I care most about. This is not my typical I’ll get through this, I know what I’m doing, I’ve got this post. This one is the one where I say I feel lost. I’d love to say I know how to help my daughter, my best friend, my mother, my sister in law, but I’m at a loss. The only thing I can do right now is hold on tight and hope that when things start to look up that my sanity is still in tact and I’ve grown in some way through these experiences.

What does it mean to be a woman?

Women are defined in so many different ways. We are defined by our careers, our choices to have or not have children, choices about working or becoming a domestic diva, biologically, emotionally, mentally, our clothes, our hair, our make up and so much more.

When I was in my early 20’s I made the life altering decision to have my tubes tied. I had two beautiful little girls, one of which was born with a congenital heart disease. I had seen both heartwarming and gut wrenching things. I spent a lot of time deliberating, with myself before speaking to anyone about it. Even now, I’m still asked, “But don’t you want more?”. I made a choice not to have more children, for many reasons, there was no single reason and I still feel that it was the right choice for me.

Over the past year, I’ve faced some pretty scary possibilities regarding my reproductive system. I have had multiple blood tests, internal exams and a biopsy. There was a possibility of cancer and I won’t lie, that scared me a lot. The root of the problem was not cancer or some STD or my thyroid. It was simply my body producing too much of one hormone, not enough of another.

Now I’m facing a new decision that affects my view of myself, as a woman. I was given two corrective options when I went to my appointment about my biopsy results. The first was a Mirena IUD. This was the simplest, easiest solution due to time restrictions involving work and kids. Over time, I’ve decided this is not really my ideal choice. I am, in many ways, a Type A personality. I like to have everything planned out, I like punctuality, everything in neat packages, dealing with things head on, do it and get it done. My second choice was an endometrial ablation. In short, simple english, that second choice means having the lining in my uterus burned. A do it and get it done choice.

Let me be clear, that making the choice to have my tubes tied, was and continues to be in my eyes, a permanent choice. That procedure can and has been reversed for many women though and that has been a thought that has brought me comfort when my biological clock started to tick a little too loudly. An endometrial ablation is a choice that is more permanent, it scars the uterine wall, which makes pregnancy impossible. This is a procedure that I have thought about at great lengths and that I am actively pursuing right now because I have time and help.

My struggle lies with how I identify myself as a woman. I am, despite my choice to have my tubes tied, a woman, still within childbearing years. My body and all of the wonders it holds was built to give life. This procedure, although only in some subjective way, takes a piece of my womanhood, my identity as a mother and nurturer, as a whole woman. These are thoughts that have rolled through my mind over the past year. It seems to be a silly fear, but I’ve spent a lot of years learning who I am, learning to love myself so that I can love others and to have that identity change, even if it is for my well being has been a little overwhelming.

I’m Not Quite There Yet (and that’s okay)

The subject of abuse is not as taboo as it once was. It’s far more widely discussed and recognized now than it was, in say my grandmother’s generation. There is recognition now that there are different types of abuse. This is a personal topic, that I have only discussed with those closest to me and often, even then, not at length. Writing as a wild woman, anonymously gives me the freedom to discuss and explore this without repercussions to myself or my children and I’m hoping gives someone else out there strength and hope, knowing that they are not alone. I also hope that what I say is not taken out of context, that I’m not saying any kind of abuse is worse than another. It’s simply my personal experience.

I met the father of my children when I was 17, he was 26. He promised me the world and “took me away” from all of the things I wanted and needed to escape at that point in my life. I thought he was a terrific man, and I rode off into the sunset with him without question.

Almost a year to the day after we met, my oldest daughter was born. Shortly after, I began to notice behaviors in her father that I hadn’t seen before. I saw people that I had gone to school with, and was chided for socializing for a few moments, even if it was just to say hello to an old friend. There was verbal recourse for wearing anything he thought was “too revealing” and he noticed any other person looking at me. He managed to isolate me from people, something that is pretty vital developmentally for a young adult. Shortly after my oldest was born, I considered leaving, but when that consideration arose, he threatened to smash windows in my mother’s vehicle, while my daughter was still inside and so, I stayed.

As the years passed, more mental and emotional abuse followed. I stopped looking people in the eye when he was around for fear of what would come from his mouth later. There have been accusations aplenty about me sleeping around, though it has been fine for him to go out for milk and take two hours, to flirt with other women, and even seek out affairs (something I haven’t even bothered to take up with him). If I had a thought or opinion that didn’t coincide with his, I was stupid. I had to ask permission to use the only car we had (with 2 children in the house), ask for money, ask to see the one friend that stuck around, ask to see my family. That list just goes on and on and on.

When my grandmother passed away, I realized how short life really is. When I told him I was unhappy and wanted to end the relationship, I was told I needed therapy, so I went out of spite. What started as an act of spite, became one of the most courageous courses in personal growth and I’m still thankful to this day that I was so spiteful. My therapist suggested going back to school and with that, I slowly realized how intelligent I actually am. I received my associates in the arts last year, summa cum laude. I realized I was not the worthless person he so often made me feel I was.

Within the past few years, my children have started seeing their father for who he truly is and as a mother, I can say it is truly heartbreaking. I’ve taken flack for staying so long, I’ve also taken flack in the past for trying to leave. Unless people are in a situation, they’re incapable of comprehending all of the ramifications. As of today, I have a family who is and has been unwilling or incapable to help me remove myself and my children from this situation. I have explored each avenue available to me. I’m not there yet and I know several other people who aren’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t see or understand the abuse within my own household, it doesn’t mean that I like it or that I’m weak. To the contrary, living with the mental and emotional abuse that I have, makes a person far stronger than others might realize. I’m not there yet because I don’t have my ducks all in a row. I’m not there yet because there will be an ugly custody battle and his reasons to fight would have nothing to do with the well being of my children, and I don’t want to give them more reasons to dislike him than they already have on their own. But I will get there.

I’m not completely alone. I have friends and family who understand. While they can’t help me in some ways, they are always there to support me and remind me what a strong individual I am, especially when I feel weak. I have a bright future ahead of me, one filled with love and liberation and I refuse to let him continue to take my life from me.

I’m Still Standing

I’m 35, I’ve been through some hard times. I think that every day when I wake up. After that single thought comes the thought about how lucky I really am, to have experienced it all, to have lived through it even when I didn’t think I would or could. All of those times have given me new strengths.

The times that I thought my heart was breaking, were times that made me realize how strong my heart is. They reminded me how I was capable of giving and receiving great love.

The times that people shamed me, humiliated me or put me down, were times that I realized who I didn’t want to be in some way. Most of those times, I simply decided that I didn’t want to be one of the people that made others feel so bad about themselves. They made me realize that while it’s simple to put a person down, it’s just as simple to build them up. Other times, it made me realize that I had become someone I didn’t want to be and gave me the drive to change that. They also taught me forgiveness. It’s a far better thing to forgive those people than to carry around bad feelings.

The times when there was no money taught me that I’m far more creative than I realized. I remember birthdays and Christmases and other important times in my children’s lives when there was very little or sometimes no money, but somehow, I always managed to make those times special for them. It gave me the ability to show them that even if we didn’t have a lot, we still weren’t limited. I wish more people could realize that. It is a magnificent thing to learn that you aren’t limited because of circumstance. Circumstances are ever changing and learning to improvise whether it’s related to finances or other areas of life is a skill too few possess.

I looked at my daughters’ most recent report cards. I had to learn a long time ago to ignore the looks of disdain from other people when all they saw in me was that I was a young mother. When I see good grades, when I get a compliment on their good behavior, when I’m told what upstanding young ladies I have, I’m redeemed. It is a constant reminder to never judge others.

The times I’ve spent with older generations, I’ve learned that even when I thought I had it hard, it was pretty easy. I’ve learned that they have a lot of wisdom to share and usually some of the best and most interesting stories to tell. It’s easy to forget that some day we will be older and people will be less interested in hearing what we have to say. It reminds me to listen, no matter who it is.

I’m not only standing, I’ve learned lessons in life that it takes others a lifetime to learn and by then, what good is that wisdom?

If You Want

If you want to hang your head and cry,

If you want to close your eyes to the world and die,

If you think you’re the only one to feel pain,

If you look at the world with disdain……

If you say you’re too sad to care,

If you put yourself down because you don’t dare…..

If you’re full of self pity and loathing,

If you want to drown yourself in your woes……

You go on ahead, that’s your prerogative,

But don’t expect to bring me into the dark with you,

I have too much to see, too much to do.

While you’re busy hating who you are,

I’ll have my face to the sky,

Dancing in the sun,

Because all in all I’m content with who I’ve become.

Things I Wish I Knew (when I knew everything)

I joke that when I was younger, I knew everything. I thought I knew everything. Life is pretty simple when you don’t have to make all of the decisions and everything seems black and white. These are the things I wish I really had known. They’re not profound, really. Just thoughts and ideas and feelings I have had time to look at, sometimes with fresh eyes, sometimes with eyes that are a little wiser.

Life will be bad sometimes, but good things happen because of the bad times.

You will make some bad choices. When you realize that you have made one, accept it, own it, learn from it and don’t do it again.

People will use you and hurt you. Sometimes those people are the ones you love most. It is not your fault. Don’t forget that there are still some people who love you and think you’re pretty damn special just the way you are.

Sometimes you have to roll with the punches. Sometimes you have to fight or struggle. Learn when to roll and when to fight.

If an opportunity knocks, answer the door. It’s better to find out than to live with the regrets of the unknown. Sometimes opportunities don’t knock a second time.

Try. If you fail, you will feel so much better about yourself than you would if you didn’t put yourself out there.

It’s okay if you don’t fit in, people don’t like you or don’t understand you. Being true to yourself is NEVER wrong.

Love yourself and treat yourself well. Do things for yourself that you would do for other people. Sometimes you are the only one who knows what you want and need, and sometimes you are the only one who can give those things to you.

You are a good person and you deserve happiness.

You are entitled to your opinion, thoughts and feelings. It’s okay for people to disagree, to have their own opinions, thoughts and feelings, even when they don’t coincide. It is never okay for someone to belittle your opinions thoughts and feelings. They are yours and yours alone and it’s okay to have them.

Take time for yourself. Life gets busy and chaotic and it’s so easy to get lost in the hustle, bustle and routines. Take time to read that book, sketch that drawing, feed the birds, have a cup of tea, go to a concert. Whatever it is that you’ve been putting off because you “don’t have time”, make some time. Time is something you never get back, how many people would regret having a cup of tea at the end of the road? How many probably regret not realizing how precious time can be?

You are never above helping another, EVER. I’ve seen this attitude, I’ve been on the receiving end of it. Sometimes people really need that ear, those few cents, that help with paperwork, those foodstamps. You are not in a place to judge, you can be in a place to help though, so do it when you can.

Use your manners. It sounds simple enough and it’s something most children hear, but we grow up and some of us forget. Sometimes a simple thank you coupled with a smile can change someone’s day.

You are somebody’s reason to smile. You may not even know it, but you are.

Keep learning and growing. People who stop doing those things have lives that become bitter and stagnant. Never, ever stop growing.

You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be pretty or handsome or smart or great at athletics. You don’t have to be anything aside from you.

You are loved. Somebody, somewhere loves you a lot. It may not fit your ideals or life goals, but it’s enough and it’s good and it’s pure.