Why don’t you just leave?

“Why don’t you just leave?” is such a loaded question. Over 19 years, I was asked that question so many times. 

Some forms of domestic abuse seem to be more socially acceptable, some are just too humiliating and shameful to ever just come out and talk about. Most abusers though are master manipulators, so sometimes even if someone does speak up, they get responses like “That doesn’t seem like him/her”.

I spent 19 years in an abusive relationship and there is no single descriptor for the type of abuse that was happening. People usually see abuse as one thing, physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, but the reality is that it’s usually some combination of the types, not just one. Abusers like control and power. That control and power comes from fear instilled by more than one of those forms of abuse.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of abuse, you too become a master of sorts. You learn how to read vocal tones, body language, how to hide your emotions and hold your tongue. You learn that you are not going to win battles with your abuser because no matter how wrong they might be, in their eyes, they are right and nothing you can say or do will change that.

I live in a rural area where public transportation doesn’t reach everywhere. My abuser isolated me from friends and family, the very support system that most people need just to get through every day. A lot of people just give up when you keep canceling plans or say you can’t. They don’t know what’s going on inside the house. So the isolation is furthered. Sometimes it’s lack of transportation, sometimes it’s a matter of refusal to fight, sometimes it’s false accusations that you’re too tired to fight. 

Living with abuse is like leading a double life. At home, you are under scrutiny, being shamed, humiliated, told what to do, when to do it or how. When I tried speaking up for myself or my children, my abuser’s go to phrase was “Would you just shut the fuck up?”. In public or the rare social settings, my abuser acted like a loving, doting significant other and father. 

Because of that double life, when I finally left, my family belittled me. They felt sorry for the man that put me and my kids through emotional and psychological hell. They pitied him and stood up for him and I was seen as an uncompromising, selfish bitch. Despite the fact that my children are young adults, capable of deciding whether or not they wanted to continue contact with him, I was accused of keeping him from them. It was and continues to be a choice that is up to them.

I stayed because my support system dwindled, because the side he chose to show the rest of the world made him look good and made me look bad, because I was fearful after so many threats, because he controlled every aspect of my life.

Before you ask someone why they don’t just leave, the better question to ask might be what can I do to help? I didn’t have a safe place to go, I didn’t have people to help me, I had no means to leave. When I left, I spent 2 months in a dv shelter, while he threatened and lied, trying everything he could to regain some modicum of control. 

I knew I was in an abusive relationship long before I ever left and the worst question anyone ever asked me was “Why don’t you just leave?”.