Over the last year, my daughters and I have struggled. While I was struggling through the end of an abusive relationship with their father, he continually put them and others in the middle of it. He even went as far as telling our 18 year old daughter that she had no choice but to be in the middle and to choose a side. What kind of parent could do that to their own child? Why would you tell your child they needed to choose between two of the most important people in their life? The really sad thing is that this was not the first time he did this to her.
Most people view abuse as beating, punching, hitting, but it goes so much further. Abuse is financial control that keeps someone else under your thumb because they have no other means of survival. Abuse is using that kind of control to mentally attack someone, convincing them that they are worthless. Abuse is continual reminders that someone is not enough, can’t do enough, will never be enough. Abuse is using children as a means of control. Abuse is attempts to pit children against the other parent. Abuse is breaking someone down and feeding fake apologies over and over. Abuse is sexual control, including rape and sodomy within a relationship. Abuse is and always has been so much more than beating and my daughters and I lived with every spoke on that damn wheel.
After nearly 20 years, I sought help. I found us safe, temporary housing and while housed there, I secured safe, permanent housing for us. I started finding myself and living a life with my children that we had been denied. We have gone to different places, had new experiences, laughed and cried, fought, hugged and we’ve done it all together.
During this last year, I have felt this insane need to justify my choices, as well as my daughters to my family. I didn’t talk about the things that went on in my house. I didn’t tell my family about the things that we had been through or the pain it had caused us. Boy, do I wish I had. Nobody should ever have to justify ending a relationship. Grown children should not be guilted for refusing contact with an abusive parent. I should not have to repeatedly state that I haven’t kept them from him. I should not have to repeat that when one of my daughters did take it upon herself to go see him, she was asked what the fuck she wanted and came home heartbroken. None of this should need to be explained to people who are not and have not been directly affected by any of this aside from their self appointed involvement.
It makes me sick to be told that my ex is so distraught by what we “did to him”. I’m sorry, but I did not sodomize him, I did not put him down, I did not spread ugly rumors about him, I did not threaten suicide as a sympathy plea, I did not do any of the shitty things that he did. I simply left, after asking him to be decent for the sake of our children and he threatened to throw all of my belongings out. How dare I? He got the house, the cars, the dogs, his 65″ television and 3/4 of all of the other things in the house. The kids and I left with some of our clothes, a few pieces of furniture and not much more, but we somehow have wronged him.
I cannot even begin to express how I feel about his pathetic sympathy pleas or my family’s refusal to even try to understand that my children have made a choice and I will not force them to see their abusive father. I cannot express how very sick it makes me that they feel a need to shame me or my kids, especially with the knowledge that they themselves have been in unhealthy relationships. It amazes me that someone who refuses to see their own abusive father can attempt to tell someone else that they should be in contact with an abusive parent. I can’t begin to express how pissed off I am that they have had the audacity to tell my children that I have “twisted” them. They have no idea how many times I had to correct things that their father said to them because it not only was a lie, it was one that was detrimental for them to continue to believe. They have no idea how hard it was all of those times to simply state that their father was “confused” or didn’t have all of the information, rather than straight up calling him a liar or jackass.
I have worked very hard to be the bigger person. I haven’t asked for a dime in child support from him. I haven’t asked him for help. I haven’t talked shit about him to everyone that will listen. I haven’t spread rumors about him. I haven’t followed him around town like a creep. I have focused on bettering my children’s lives as well as my own. I have remained focused on what we are doing, moving forward and living happy lives. I have done none of the things that he has and yet, somehow I am still vilified. I was asked today why certain family members were not invited to a get together. By the same family members who have tried shaming, guilting and putting down everything that we have been doing. Blood is not thicker than water. Sometimes, blood is tainted. I’d rather have an extended family of people who are not related by blood but are there to celebrate the good with us and support us through the bad than have blood relatives in my life who are nothing but toxic.
At 37, there has been nothing easy about rebuilding a life. There has been nothing easy about being a single parent. There has been nothing easy about doing these things without the support of most of my family. It is always easy to look at these shitty things. It is sometimes harder to remember that I am showing my daughters that it’s okay to be strong women. It is sometimes harder to remember that they still love me and think that I’m doing okay, but thankfully, they remind me sometimes. Every day is a new kind of struggle for me, but every day I get out of bed. Every day, I remember that I am setting an example for my children. Every day, I hope they know how much I love them and that some day they will know that even when I was only an okay mom, I tried so hard.
rantings of a wild woman 